How You Can Help

• Listen.
• Touch.
• Cry with the family.
• Attend the funeral/memorial service.
• Remember them on their baby's due date, birthday, and death day anniversaries.
• Never Forget.

What Can You Say?

• "I'm sad for you."
• "How are you all doing with all of this?"
• "This must be hard for you."
• "I'm sorry."
• "I'm here, and I want to listen."

What NOT To Say

• "You're young, you can have others."
• "You have an angel in heaven."
• "Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby."
• "There was something wrong with the baby anyway."
• "God only gives us what we can handle."
• Calling the baby a "fetus" or "it".

Remembrances You Can Give The Family

• Baby ring
• Planter/flowers in a baby vase
• Original poem
• Tree or rose bush as a living memorial
• Needlework
• Photographs
• Keepsakes

Suggestions For Helping Grieving Families

• Do listen more than you talk.
• Do allow for silence.
• Do answer their questions and refer these to the most appropriate people.
• Do refer to the baby by name (if they have named the baby) and talk about special features of the baby.
• Do be genuine and caring.
• Do allow them to express their feelings and tell their story without passing judgement.
• Do reach out to bereaved parents and acknowledge their loss.
• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much.
• Do ask about the funeral or memorial service (if there was one).
• Do ask about other family members (siblings, spouses, grandparents).
• Do talk with mothers and fathers and include other significant family members.
• Do ask if they have any special requests of you.
• Do remember to call them on special occasions or give them a call to let them know you were thinking of them.

More Suggestions

• Don't dominate conversation.
• Don't ask one question after another without a break.
• Don't use cliches:
  • "I know just how you feel."
  • "At least you have other children."
  • "You can always have another."
  • "At least you didn't really know your baby."
  • "This will bring your family closer."
• Don't pass judgement. ("You should be feeling better by now.")
• Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. (Avoidance adds pain; acknowledgement of their loss is what they need.)
• Don't change the subject when they talk about their dead baby.
• Don't answer a question you don't have the answer to.
• Don't give advice, particularly medical or legal, unless you are an MD or a lawyer.
• Don't make comments that suggest they or their baby received inadequate care.
• Don't make comments that they should have received care sooner. (They already have doubt and guilt.)
• Don't talk only with mothers. (Include fathers and children.)
• Don't personalize comments but identify emotions. (I.e. "It sounds like you're pretty angry.")

*Selected portions of the preceding suggestions are taken from the following resources:

• When A Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping by Rana Limbo and Sara Wheeler, Copyright La Crosse Lutheran Hospital, 1986.
• RTS Bereavement Services Counselor Manual Copyright La Crosse Lutheran Hospital, RTS Bereavement Services, 1992.